Today we are so proud to be British. It has just been announced that we are top of the league of European nations for:
-> Teenage pregnancies
-> Debt per head of population
-> Obesity
We are 'Great'; Great big, broke, lard-arsed, promiscuous, chav, bogun, jet-trash Britain. Click HERE for an intimate glimpse of modern Britain.

So I shouted to warn them - "Whatever you do, don't go in there - it's a man eating chicken!"

Steve Howe, former guitarist of 1970's progressive rock giants, Yes, stumbles through the arid waste of yet another album cover.
"Ferking dust everywhere! Oh no man, one has gorn and ripped one's flares on all this hippy shit fantasy bollercks - one needs to get out of here! Can't stand much more of these bleak, desolart landscapes.

Oh man... one remembers the great times, guitar in hand - One was a rock god. Even now, one can picture oneself; striking a pose, tapping a foot in a gesture of reckless abandonment. [Closing his eyes] One can see it now..."

This is the explorer and noted antiquarian, Canon Frockhart Pewsley-Truggil. He is currently residing in the left lobe of my brain, for he is that most insidious of presences - a mind squatter. How he got in there, or why, we simply do not know. However, following a brief conversation between the Canon and Monty, we have gleaned a few details.

Firstly, we know he tends a formal garden in my head, and is particularly proud of his topiary chicken.

A topiary chicken like what DeBunkem has in his bonce

Secondly, Monty reports that he is very fond of the music of Easy Listening legend, Barry Manilow. Apparently, he has an extensive album collection, which he often relaxes to (that'll explain the headaches!).

Sultry Uncle kareoke star, Barry Manilow

Finally, the Canon occasionally takes a peep out of my left eye; looking at the modern world as I wend my way through time-space. (This latter detail, I discovered myself whilst looking into the mirror of my boudoir - quite a shock it was too!)

Once upon a time there lived a slow, old tortoise and a lightening fast hare. The boastful hare just wouldn't stop crowing about how flippin' fast he was, until one day poor old cumbersome tortoise screamed - "ENOUGH!" In the aftermath of this uncharacteristic outburst he challenged the astounded hare to a race: "... a race from Trevelyan's Gate to Seaman's Pond". Of course, hare was only too pleased to accept.

On the allotted day, they stood side by side on the starting line, as Ms. Peeps, the water vole, fired the starter's pistol. Who won the race? Click here to find out HERE